The Ha-Ha-Haunting of Hyde House Read online

  Mom gave me a look. “Um … no.”

  “But, Mom,” I said, “I promised we would.”

  “But, Jeff,” she said, “what if you go into that haunted house and never come out?”

  “Mom, that’s not going to—”

  “I mean, I guess I could move my sewing machine into your room,” she said. “Maybe the TV. And my computer and a small sofa. But what would I do with all your stuff?”

  I nearly choked. “Mom!”

  “I’m kidding,” she said, giving me a hug. “But I think Joey and Joey’s mother and Mrs. Bookman and I will go with you.”

  I sighed and shook my head slowly.

  “Mom, Mom, Mom …”

  “Yes, yes, yes?”

  “We’re professional detectives,” I said. “Not to mention professional Goofballs, which, believe me, is really hard not to mention. You and the other ladies and Joey are just not goofy enough.”

  It was a great speech. It was almost too great. I watched my mom’s face go through a hundred expressions until I thought she was going to say, “Fine. Just help me move my sewing machine—”

  Luckily, she didn’t.

  “We’ll wait in the car outside Hyde House while you and the Goofballs go in and find your ghost.”

  That made me feel a lot better, but I couldn’t say that, of course.

  I’m a tough professional.

  “I guess you can be there,” I said.

  “I guess so, too,” she said. “Now, please call your friends and ask them to get their parents’ permission, too.”

  So I did. Then I rummaged in my closet for the blackest jeans and blackest sweatshirt and blackest sneakers I could find.

  “I want to blend into the shadows,” I told Sparky. “To hide from ghosts if I have to.”

  “Goof?”

  “But, Sparky, you don’t need a disguise. You’re already wearing a fur coat!”

  Then the doorbell rang, and Kelly power walked in. “You’ll blend in with the shadows,” she said when she saw my outfit.

  “You’ll blend in with … yourself,” I said. “Kelly, you’re wearing the same orange sweatsuit you wore at the library. We’re hunting a ghost. You need to be ready!”

  She made a face. “I am ready. Ready for nothing. Because I don’t believe in ghosts.”

  “Suit yourself,” I said.

  “I did,” she said. “I sweatsuited myself.”

  Next to come in was Mara.

  She posed for us in a dark-blue outfit, from a pair of dark-blue shoes to two dark-blue chopsticks in her hair. On her belt hung a dark-blue flashlight.

  “I’m all dark blue,” she said.

  “Stylish,” I said.

  Brian surprised us all by coming to the door in his dad’s entire baggy tuxedo.

  “How is that a ghost-catching outfit?” Mara asked him.

  Brian grinned. “My dad says dress nicely, and you’ll get in anywhere. A tuxedo is the best outfit for that.”

  “But Joey’s mom has a key to Hyde House,” I said. “Where else are you going?”

  “It’s simple,” he said, which we knew meant it wouldn’t be. “Hyde House has already made Lavinia Hyde into a ghost, right?”

  “Probably not,” said Kelly, twisting the ends of her big yellow hair.

  “So …,” Brian went on, “if, say, Kelly gets made into a ghost, we might have to visit the land of ghosts to bring her back.”

  “Ghostology experts call it Ghostville,” said Mara. “Jeff, write that down.”

  I did.

  “If I have to enter Ghostville,” Brian said, “I’ll be dressed for it. Plus Dad’s tuxedo is big enough for all my ghost gear. See?”

  Then he showed us what he had in his pockets. It took so long we had to sit down.

  He had: a tissue box, a yo-yo, a giant magnifying glass, a tiny harmonica, a compass, five colored toothpicks, four index cards, a clown nose, a butterfly net, a dozen paper clips, and a hard-boiled egg.

  Kelly grumbled, “If ghosts did exist, which they don’t, they would have the ability to vanish whenever they want. Not even that stuff would catch them.”

  “Don’t worry,” said Brian. “As a backup, I’m letting Sparky use my flashlight.” Then he attached a tiny flashlight to Sparky’s collar.

  “All right, Goofballs,” I said, “let’s march!”

  Which no one really did because my mom drove us.

  Ten minutes later we were staring up at Hyde House. There was a big old gnarly tree growing in front of it. Through the branches, the windows stared down at us like creepy eyes, watching everything we did. On top, there was a spooky crooked tower.

  “If I were a ghost,” I said, “this is where I’d live.”

  “There are no ghosts,” said Kelly. “But if there were, I’d agree with you.”

  “I guess we should go in,” I said.

  “I guess we should,” said Brian.

  “I agree,” said Mara.

  “That settles it,” said Kelly. “Here we go.”

  But no one moved.

  Whoosh, whoosh! Boom-ba-boom!

  No, it wasn’t Brian making noises this time. It was real wind howling and real thunder thundering. Then it started to rain.

  “Better get inside before Jeff’s open mind gets all soggy,” said Brian. “Believe me, it’s not a pretty sight.”

  On the top step we turned to the street. My mom sat in our car. Joey and his mother were in the backseat with Mrs. Bookman.

  We all waved. Even Sparky waved his paw.

  Then I drew in a deep breath, put the key in the lock, turned it, put my hand firmly on the doorknob, and pushed.

  Eee-ooo-rrr-eee!

  The door really squeaked like Sparky’s fuzzy squeeze toy.

  But nobody was laughing when we stepped into Hyde House.

  5

  The Vanishing Goofball!

  Just as the front door started to shut behind us, Mara twirled around and caught it.

  She pulled a chopstick from her hair and placed it between the door and the frame.

  “We want to be able to run out of here if the ghost attacks us,” she said.

  “Good idea,” said Brian. “It took me a whole hour to get out of my house once.”

  We all looked at him.

  “Did you forget where the door was?” Kelly asked.

  “No. I knew where it was.”

  “Then why did it take you an hour to get out of your house?” Mara asked.

  “My mom wouldn’t let me play outside until I finished my homework,” he said. “It took me a whole hour.”

  As we stared at Brian, I realized that he was talking extra goofy because he was scared.

  I realized that I was scared, too.

  “Flashlight time,” said Mara. She flicked on her blue one, but I guess it was mostly for style, because it didn’t light up very much.

  “Sparky,” I said. He trotted over and I flicked on his collar light, too.

  Brian took out his big magnifying glass. “Now let’s bust some ghosts!” he said.

  As Sparky sniffed around and his tiny collar light moved with him, we made out a big room. It was old and dusty. A few pieces of furniture—a chair, a floor lamp, a short table—were all covered with sheets.

  “They look like ghosts,” said Mara.

  “Sheets keep dust off the furniture,” I said.

  “What’s going to keep the dust off us?” asked Kelly. “You know I’m allergic.…”

  She suddenly cupped her hands over her mouth and nose. “Ah … ah … choooooo!”

  Oooo … ooo!

  We froze where we stood.

  “The ghost!” Brian whispered.

  “Or just an echo,” said Kelly.

  The echo faded. I took a deep breath. “Joey saw a blob in the parlor,” I said. “Let’s find the parlor.”

  We crept step by step to one door and opened it. There was another door behind it. We opened that. There, we found a hallway with a door at the end. W
e went through it.

  “This house is a maze,” said Mara.

  “Ing,” said Brian. “Amaz—ing.”

  Sparky snorted a sneeze. “Ah-Goof!”

  “I’m going to draw the layout of these rooms,” I said, opening my cluebook. “So we can find our way out. This house is scary.”

  “We have Joey to thank for that,” said Brian. “Instead of a ghost he should have seen a green pepper, like I said in the word game. A green pepper is not scary at all. Plus if you eat one, it’s good for you. But you know what’s not good for you? A ghost. Especially a floating blobby one like Lavinia Hyde.…”

  “Is … someone … there?”

  A voice echoed from wall to wall and door to door, and we stopped dead.

  “That was not a sneeze,” I said.

  “It’s Lavinia Hyde!” whispered Mara.

  “I’m in here!” the voice echoed.

  We were just about to run out of the house when the thumping started.

  Thump! Thump!

  “Just like Joey heard!” Mara gasped. “It’s coming from the haunted parlor!”

  “It’s probably just the plumbing,” said Kelly.

  “There is no plumbing!” I said. “No one’s lived in this house for years.…”

  Thump! Thump!

  “Except the ghost of Lavinia Hyde!” cried Brian, heading back for the front door.

  “Goofballs, look,” Kelly insisted, grabbing Brian by the sleeve. “The only mystery is what Joey saw. And if we don’t solve that, we may never get another case.”

  With that, she took Mara’s flashlight, yanked open the nearest door, and marched into the darkness. The door closed behind her.

  I stared at Brian and Mara. “I don’t know if Kelly’s right, but we have to follow her.”

  “Not without a ghost-trapping trap,” Brian said. “Good thing I brought a net with me.”

  Mara looked around. “Annette who? I don’t see her.”

  “No, no,” he said. “A net. I brought a net with me. Understand? A net!”

  Mara frowned. “I still don’t see her.”

  All at once, Kelly screamed a blood-tingling scream from behind the parlor door.

  “Akkkkkk!”

  “The ghost of Lavinia Hyde got her!” said Brian. He fell to his knees. “Don’t let her take me! I’m too young to be an ex-person!”

  We threw open the parlor door. Then the second parlor door. Then the third parlor door. Finally we were in the parlor.

  And there it was. A white blob, floating across the beam of the flashlight Kelly was holding.

  “Look!” Kelly said. “It’s … it’s …”

  “Now do you believe in ghosts?” said Brian.

  But the moment we tried to go to Kelly, the flashlight hit the floor and—wham!—so did we.

  All at once, there was a puff of cold air, a tiny squeak, and a faint gasp.

  By the time Mara picked up the flashlight, Kelly had vanished!

  6

  Interview with a Ghost

  Vanished!

  As in disappeared!

  We just froze where we lay on the floor. By the glimmer of the flashlight, we stared at the space that used to be Kelly.

  “K-K-Kelly?” I whispered.

  No answer.

  We got up, took a step toward where Kelly had been, then fell down again. The flashlight went out again.

  “What do we keep tripping over?” Mara asked.

  “Sparky!” I called, and he trotted over and shone his light on a small chair, sitting right by the parlor door.

  “A chair,” I said. “Right by a door?”

  “Everything is right by a door in this house,” said Brian.

  Mara started to wobble. “But … but … if Kelly vanished behind that door … that door must be the door to Ghostville! We have to rescue her!”

  “Brian,” I said, “straighten your tie. You’re going in.”

  Brian shook his head and stepped back. “Uh … I like Kelly and stuff, but … I don’t want to. I’m … sc-sc-Scandinavian!”

  “Should I run and get my mom?” I asked.

  Brian thought about that, then took a deep breath. “No. This is a mystery. Maybe it’s way more scary than goofy, but if we don’t solve it, we may not get another case.”

  Mara gasped. “That’s exactly what Kelly said before she vanished!”

  Brian’s eyes went wide. “Maybe I’m channeling the ghost of Kelly!”

  Mara gasped again. “That means she’s still nearby. We need to do a séance!”

  Brian tilted his head like Sparky does when he doesn’t understand something. “Is a séance where you take a nap during the day? Because I could sure use a séance right now.”

  “That’s called a siesta,” I said.

  “I thought siesta was a brand of iced tea,” he said. “And you’re not supposed to drink iced tea while you nap. You could drown.”

  “A séance,” said Mara, “is where we call a ghost to talk to us from the world beyond. If the ghost of Lavinia Hyde took Kelly, we can try to get her back.”

  “We should try to get all of her, not just her back,” said Brian. “If you leave her back back there, we’ll have to go back for it—”

  “Brian,” I said, “calm down.”

  “But I’m … sc-sc-scrambled!”

  I patted his shoulder. “We’re all scrambled,” I said. “Let’s do a séance.”

  “First, we need a round table,” Mara said. “I think I saw one a bunch of doors ago.…”

  “Wait!” said Brian. “Let me set a trap in case Lavinia Hyde tries to grab someone else.”

  He slid the crumpled paper out of his top hat. “Jeff, write this down. I call it How to Trap a Ghost with a Newspaper.”

  I wrote down everything he did:

  “What will that do?” asked Mara.

  Brian sighed. “So many things. First, if the ghost comes for us, she’ll walk over the newspapers and we’ll hear her crunching them. That’s called turning a newspaper into a noisepaper.”

  “Okay, but—” I started.

  “Next,” he said, “because Lavinia Hyde has been a ghost for so long, she hasn’t seen the news. When she sees the Badger Point News, she’ll stop to read it.”

  “Okay, but—” said Mara.

  “Finally, the best part,” Brian said. “When she’s busy catching up on the news, we’ll catch her. With a net!”

  Mara leaned close to me. “Between you and me, I think ‘Annette’ is also a ghost.”

  We decided not to argue and left the parlor, heading toward the room with the table.

  But the more I thought about it, the more Brian’s newspaper thing bothered me.

  Finally, I had to speak up.

  “Look, is everybody thinking what I’m thinking?” I asked.

  “Absolutely,” Brian said. “Green peppers would be a great topping on a Goofball pizza.”

  “I’m talking about the ghost,” I said.

  Brian nodded. “They’d be a great topping on a ghost, too, but it would be hard to keep the pieces stuck on. On the other hand, if they fell off, Sparky would eat them.…”

  “Goof!” said Sparky.

  “No, look,” I said, “the ghost of Lavinia Hyde floats. Ghosts don’t use the floor. Not only that, but Kelly said they move through walls. So they don’t use doors, either.”

  Brian looked unsure. “Meaning … what?”

  “Meaning … I don’t know yet,” I said. “But this doesn’t really make sense. We’re missing something.”

  “Something called Kelly!” said Mara.

  Then she opened a door and froze. “Oh!”

  “What is it?” I said, peering over her shoulder.

  “A bookcase,” Mara said. “Kelly loved books.”

  “We’ll get her back,” I told her.

  Mara nodded as she closed the door. “But I agree with Brian. We should get all of her.”

  Finally, we found the room we were searching for. We pul
led a dusty old sheet off of the round table, then dragged four chairs to it. That’s when I remembered that there were only three of us.

  I wondered again if I should get Mom.

  But Sparky said, “Goof?” so I patted the seat and he jumped into the fourth chair.

  “Place your hands—and paws—flat on the table,” Mara said. “Then spread your fingers and touch your thumbs together, like this.”

  Our six hands and Sparky’s two front paws made a circle on the table.

  Mara breathed deeply. “We have now formed an unbroken circle of spiritual energy. Kelly, if you can hear us, speak—”

  Knock! Knock!

  “Who’s there?” Brian asked instinctively.

  “It can’t be Kelly,” I whispered. “She doesn’t do knock-knock jokes. It must be Lavinia Hyde!”

  Then came a voice.

  “Is … someone … there?”

  Mara’s eyes went wide. “You give Kelly back!”

  “All of her!” I added.

  Suddenly, there was a thump and a crash, and then we heard it.

  The terrifying sound of … of … crunching newspapers!

  7

  Into Ghostville!

  “Brian, your plan worked!” Mara gasped. “Lavinia Hyde is reading the newspaper.”

  “I’m not surprised,” Brian said, clutching his ghost-catching net. “She must be hungry for news.”

  “Let’s hope she’s not hungry for anything else,” I said.

  Using my sketch of the house, and with Sparky hugging our heels the whole way, we tiptoed back through the rooms to the haunted parlor.

  “Flashlights off,” I whispered. “But get ready to turn them on.”

  I quietly turned the doorknob of the parlor door, while Brian raised his net overhead.

  “If you touch me with that creepy ghost net, Brian, I’ll turn you into a ghost!” said a voice.

  And Kelly stepped out of the darkness.

  “K-K-Kelly?” said Mara. “You’re back!”

  “And the rest of her, too!” said Brian.

  I jumped up and down. “Kelly, what happened? What was it like in Ghostville? What do you remember about being a ghost?”